Too Funny

I am sitting in the Calgary airport taking advantage of 2 hours of free internet. That and supper are slowly eating up the FIVE hr wait for our connection home.
Catching up on all my 500 unread google reader posts and found this one.

How to Build an Airplane

By Red Green

todays photo for my 365 blog. Still on the B&W theme.

The tree is up thanks to my lovely daughter - husband put it up, daughter decorated, I sat on the couch and directed..."to the left, to the right, okay now the left..."
It looks gorgeous - I will post my limey green photos of it soon.
Wish I could do more but since no one can find the rest ofthe Christmas decorations downstairs, the house will be a tad less decorated this year.
Maybe in a week or two I will go hunting. Asking DH to find the Christmas decorations is a much larger task than asking him to find the lime in the middle drawer of the fridge. But I am not complaining - he found the tree. There were two big light-less gaps - one of those teeny weeny little things is out and the whole line is down - what electrical person designed these!!! Thirty minutes of replacing teeny weeny bulbs and he said forget it and headed off to Walmart.Threw on a new string of lights over the old - worked!

Now check out this very funny clip.

Home of the Twisted Films of PES

I bet you spend more than 15 minutes at this site. 
HILARIOUS.
..... except for one that kind of was on the edgy rooftop side - not worth the watch.

One Day...

One day, long, long ago, 

there lived a woman 

who did not whine, nag, or complain.

But that was a long time ago 

and it was just one day!

The END

I saw this on Wilna's blog and found myself laughing out loud...and then watching it two more times. It is really quite wonderful. And thanks Wilna! You are always so inspiring.

Enjoy!


Now tell me you didn't laugh!!

Blessings,
Julie

Facebook anyone?

I posted this a couple of years ago, but since more of you are facebook inaugerated and busy wracking up your list of "friends" I thought you might find this amusing.

Stuff about me you MAY not have known!!

I lifted this from Jenni, mother of 12 (yes I said TWELVE) over at One Thing

I know it is making it's rounds in blogosphere...but up until now I haven't felt like playing along.

I don't have any scrap book pages to share with you and I am still working on those photo water colours a la Photoshop that I promised (tomorrow? or Saturday since I am at work the next two days)

So since this was really easy and fast for today's post I succumbed. If you like it, please feel free to copy on to your blog. Then let me know (like leave a comment!!) so I can come on over and learn a little more about you.

Just boldface the items that you HAVE done, and leave the rest normal….and remove my commentary...

Things I have or have not done. Some I have no desire to do... like kill and gut an animal.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity (I’m throwing this question out too because I don’t like it)

7. Been to Disneyland/world

8. Climbed a mountain.

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Gone skiing - water or snow

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon (how about a 10 km??)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise (okay it was only three hrs but it was on the ocean)

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Slept in a tent

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Been ice skating

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. ( I plan to make this happen soon)

44. Visited Africa

45 Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance (I was a passenger and not the patient)

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen Pearl Harbor in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (in Mexico yet!)

52. Kissed in the rain (and the snow!)

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (and yes home movies count?)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (bought several boxes of them though!)

62. Gone whale watching

63. Gotten flowers for no reason (all the time cause I married a really sweet guy!)

64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma (always too skinny or pregnant/nursing)

65. Gone sky diving (are you kidding??) ..but my son did!

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter (don't remind me)

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone ouch!

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (and no plans to)

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life (very subjective - would they have died had I not intervened???)

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby (or four)

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a lawsuit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee (does a wasp count?)

Merry Christmas

Hope you are all enjoying the season. Okay I know it is cold but we are hearty up here and besides we have heated parking at the malls - smart move!!

I am walking away from the computer now and the laundry and mess around here to go find the Christmas decorations and start moving furniture to make room for the tree. Tis the season and I am running a bit late. No I am running a lot late.

Blessings!
Julie
ps - watch where you are standing if you plan to catch snow flakes.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Laura ... and so I will henceforth tell you six unspectacular things about myself...

1. I NEVER send on e-mails sent to me that tell me I MUST send them on. Even if they promise a miracle if I do, or threaten death if I don't ....I delete them. I am still alive and every day He brings me another miracle. :)
2. I don't like TV. Seriously..I find it either stressful or boring - can't stand it.
3. I don't like to fly - but I do because I love going to warm places and places where I can take pictures....I do now draw the line at helicopter rides.
4. I drink Soya milk - I actually love it. Has to be Vanilla Silk.
5. I read my Bible every day - well almost every day - I try to anyways.
6. I would like to be able to do 30 men's push-ups in a row....it is kind of a goal I am setting for myself - ask me how I am doing in 6 months.
7. I like to break rules - cause rules were meant to be broken...within reason. I am a rebel at heart. LOL

here are the rules for this tag....

Rules:

1). Link the person that tagged you.

2).Mention the rules on your own blog.

3). List 6 unspectacular things about you.

4).Taggify 6 other bloggers.

I taggify: 1) Kris 2) Cheryl 3) Sheryl 4) Angie 5) Janys M (haha you will have to update your blog now) and 6) Janet W. ~ cause I know you guys visit my blog faithfully - except Janys who works way too much...so someone tell her she now has to Blog.

Carpe Diem!

I have some words of encouragement I want to share with all you wonderful people out there but since 98.643 % of you who visit this site do not comment ( I know, I know, it's nice to be in the majority) ....well, I do hope this does not offend you. The 2% who do comment ( I love you guys) I am pretty sure can handle this. So I am doing as I was told and passing this on to all the good women in my life - that's YOU!

Warning...this post has a swear word in it.
Move on right now if you are sensitive to these nasty words.

To Powerful Women everywhere...

Live your life

in such a way

that when your feet

hit the floor in the morning,

Satan shudders

and says,

'OH SHIT...

SHE'S AWAKE'

I do hope this post leaves you empowered as a women to get out there and carpe diem!! Right Corinne? Carpe Diem! ladies.

Maranatha!

Julie

Bear Notice

Be sure to read the whole thing...right to the end!

"98" Very Superior

98 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

So how do you score as a 1930's house wife. I always knew I was a tad old fashioned - it is just the way that I was raised. But I am darn proud of it! I would NEVER prepare breakfast in my nightie. And I don't plan to change - besides I am, according to this test, very superior! According to my 18 yr old daughter I am too particular. sigh! Call me old fashioned - I am who I am.

So, go ahead - take the test and let me know how you score...be honest now!!

T-Shirts I want to buy!

Have a great day!

A real cowboy.

Hope this one doesn't offend - please let me know if it does and I will curtail my humour......but it sure made me chuckle. :)

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy. How about you, young lady? What's your story?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

..if you laughed...leave a comment. :)

The Brothel Parrot

The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.' When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

Word Play

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.


1. coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, (adj.) impotent.
6. negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



How do people think of these things!

The Proper Diet

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:


1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, The Canadian Government is trying to correct the problem.

hahahha

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

The correct way to weigh yourself

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

Order in the Court!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... What do you think?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies ar e performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!